Man Down (Excerpt from "Project Heat")

            

"I didn't mean to end his life, I know it wasn't right.  I can't even sleep at night, can't get it off my mind."

A good friend of mine has this saying that I've adopted: "People always show you who they are." - YL.
I knew who you were and you haven't changed.  Even when you pretended you had; deep down inside I did not believe you.  So how can I now say that I don't know who you are now?  I still don't believe you.
The moment I met you and decided that you were a pompous ass... yes, I did know who you were.  And yet there was something in me that decided with my self-righteous indignation that I should show you the err of your ways.
Back then I called it taking a risk, but now we'll just label it for what it really was: stupidity.
I hate to think of how utterly stupid the whole thing was....

"What started out a simple altercation turned into a real sticky situation."

I always knew you liked 'crazy'.  However, the crazy bitch slamming her Timberland boots into my door, calling herself trying to knock it down is uncalled for.  "Put her on a long leash?!?!?" Is that what she just said?  Please don't bother me the next time I am looking for the can of Raid.
We're not even together... you ARE J-U-S-T visiting aren't you?

"I'd never thought I'd do it, Oh gosh whatever happened to me? Why did I pull the trigger, pull the trigger boom and end this dude's life so soon?"

I am so tired of this; it's time to take matters into my own hands.  I'm sitting on the floor crossed legged and crying, with a bottle of cheap Rose colored wine.  This chrome is making my right hand heavy.  Waiting for you to turn your key in the door, I drink some more, contemplating if I am really about to end your life.  Mashing the butt of the gun into my forehead, my face twists in anguish.  The steel from the barrel is warm compared to the ice running through my veins.  I didn't want it to end like this, but I've been to the precinct, and have exhausted the court houses trying to get you the hell out of my mind, out of my sight and out of my life. But they won't listen to me.  Nope.  I guess it's alright with them that I am receiving death threats from your side piece.  That rocks are being thrown through my window.  That she calls me at work.  She has committed a THEFT.  I gave you away, but she needs to return me to me.

It's just me... black girl lost. Or losing.

At least at this one.

*All quotes are from Man Down by Rhianna

Here I Am (Excerpt from "Project Heat")

"It's a joke, it's a game... Why am I still keeping score? I'm in pain, I'm ashamed."

I feel like everything you've ever told me was a lie.  I can't believe that I sorted through all of the bullshit you force fed to me, and deciphered my own truths.  You chased me, I chased you - you caught me. Then pushed passed me to pursue her. We were both young and nubile.  Why did I stay? I told everyone else that I must have been caught in your trap, but the reality is, mice are meek, but they still like cheese.  In hindsight, I think that I secretly must have enjoyed the drama that you brought to my life.  A sick and twisted fate that I was an active participant in.  This is funny to you.  Everyone else sees it as life or death. You could very well be Solomon; your love is the baby that the two women wanted so desperately to keep to themselves.  I ceded. 

"You got me thinking twice to just breathe, and you say I won't survive if I leave."

I feel so constricted and afflicted by your inflictions.  Honey, may I breathe?  In the afterglow of our lovemaking, I only think about the cancer you are obviously injecting me with.  How can I be so strong to fight these feelings to achieve remission, and here you come - the end of my commission.  To my friends? Nothing but ommissions.  All of me, hidden; only you.  I'm through.

"But I've got a couple of tricks up my sleeve..."

So many girls think and have been told that the best way to get over one man is to get under another.  This is a great distraction, but I swear it isn't a cure for the pain. It also will not remove the infestation of one liners that your ex will use to fill your phone voicemail box, text inbox and Facebook & Myspace pages. The one liners that are sure to fill your ear when you pick up the phone, will fill your head and flood your eyes when you meet up just to get the shit off your chest; they will fill your apartment and linger, when he comes to claim his property and ends up taking nothing except for the pussy.

"I no longer need your attention. I'm a woman hear me roar."

Learn the gift of goodbye.  I did and I am so much happier now.  The memories still lurk in me, but those who play; pay.  And there are no victims in love.  Not in the sense of how we describe victims.


*All quotes are from Here I Am by Nicki Minaj