Here I Am (Excerpt from "Project Heat")

"It's a joke, it's a game... Why am I still keeping score? I'm in pain, I'm ashamed."

I feel like everything you've ever told me was a lie.  I can't believe that I sorted through all of the bullshit you force fed to me, and deciphered my own truths.  You chased me, I chased you - you caught me. Then pushed passed me to pursue her. We were both young and nubile.  Why did I stay? I told everyone else that I must have been caught in your trap, but the reality is, mice are meek, but they still like cheese.  In hindsight, I think that I secretly must have enjoyed the drama that you brought to my life.  A sick and twisted fate that I was an active participant in.  This is funny to you.  Everyone else sees it as life or death. You could very well be Solomon; your love is the baby that the two women wanted so desperately to keep to themselves.  I ceded. 

"You got me thinking twice to just breathe, and you say I won't survive if I leave."

I feel so constricted and afflicted by your inflictions.  Honey, may I breathe?  In the afterglow of our lovemaking, I only think about the cancer you are obviously injecting me with.  How can I be so strong to fight these feelings to achieve remission, and here you come - the end of my commission.  To my friends? Nothing but ommissions.  All of me, hidden; only you.  I'm through.

"But I've got a couple of tricks up my sleeve..."

So many girls think and have been told that the best way to get over one man is to get under another.  This is a great distraction, but I swear it isn't a cure for the pain. It also will not remove the infestation of one liners that your ex will use to fill your phone voicemail box, text inbox and Facebook & Myspace pages. The one liners that are sure to fill your ear when you pick up the phone, will fill your head and flood your eyes when you meet up just to get the shit off your chest; they will fill your apartment and linger, when he comes to claim his property and ends up taking nothing except for the pussy.

"I no longer need your attention. I'm a woman hear me roar."

Learn the gift of goodbye.  I did and I am so much happier now.  The memories still lurk in me, but those who play; pay.  And there are no victims in love.  Not in the sense of how we describe victims.


*All quotes are from Here I Am by Nicki Minaj